Wednesday, July 1, 2009
PINK SHIRTS
So I have a problem with the pink shirts on guys. Traditionally, pink is a color that is comparative to being a girl. Just like Barbies, placing little hearts on lower case i's, and that creepy ass American Girl store - it's generally accepted that pink is for girls. So why have men adopted it? Personally, I think it's to dupe girls into thinking that they're sensitive, have emotions, and that masculine men can wear pink. To me, they saying that they're douche-bags. Really, if you're wearing a pink shirt, you probably own some Ed Hardy gear as well. And don't try calling the color "Salmon" either, that shit's not fooling anyone. If you want to prove to a woman that you're a decent, sensitive guy, don't do it through your clothing, just be a decent, sensitive guy, women will pick up on it pretty fast. I know this is merely one man's opinion, but I don't think I'm alone here.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
25 Things
1. Recently, while quite intoxicated, I found myself walking down a hallway. I came across a yellow sign in the middle of the hallway that read “WET FLOOR.” So I did.
2. Is there such things as a non-tragic skydiving accident?
3. Sometimes I think the blind people I see walking the streets with their sticks are fucking with everyone.
4. Techno music is what I imagine batteries sound like when they are having sex.
5. Two for one lasik eye surgery coupons frighten me.
6. If blind people wear sunglasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
7. I do not like the phrase “Sunday Funday.” It usually includes activities that will make for a Miserable Monday.
8. The 17 pages after the first page of my cell phone bill are completely unnecessary.
9. I hate Rock Band almost as much as I hate Rock Band 2.
10. Working with people near my dad’s age is something I will never be able to properly adjust to.
11. Once you’ve graduate college and have worked in the real world for a few years, you realize your college GPA doesn’t mean shit to anyone other than your parents.
12. Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?
13. The catalog “Design With Reach” has a very misleading name.
14. Matthew McConaughey has a brother named Rooster. Rooster named his son Miller Lyte. I have no additional comments on the matter.
15. No one will ever believe you when you say “I’m working from home today.”
16. This whole “emoticon” thing in business emails is getting out of hand.
17. You will read the words “Britney Spears” at least 13 times from when you enter the check out line until you leave it.
18. That packet of coupons in the mail never comes at a time when you actually need any of them.
19. When I see a flock of seagulls circling, I take cover. I've been shit on by a bird before.
20. Good for you Michael Phelps.
21. Crazy people are all around us.
22. I like Chinet’s philosophy of using excessive amounts of tree in their products.
23. I still use my college ID to get the student discount at the movie theatre. I’ve been out of college for nearly four years now.
24. All celebrities are short.
25. I did it.
2. Is there such things as a non-tragic skydiving accident?
3. Sometimes I think the blind people I see walking the streets with their sticks are fucking with everyone.
4. Techno music is what I imagine batteries sound like when they are having sex.
5. Two for one lasik eye surgery coupons frighten me.
6. If blind people wear sunglasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
7. I do not like the phrase “Sunday Funday.” It usually includes activities that will make for a Miserable Monday.
8. The 17 pages after the first page of my cell phone bill are completely unnecessary.
9. I hate Rock Band almost as much as I hate Rock Band 2.
10. Working with people near my dad’s age is something I will never be able to properly adjust to.
11. Once you’ve graduate college and have worked in the real world for a few years, you realize your college GPA doesn’t mean shit to anyone other than your parents.
12. Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?
13. The catalog “Design With Reach” has a very misleading name.
14. Matthew McConaughey has a brother named Rooster. Rooster named his son Miller Lyte. I have no additional comments on the matter.
15. No one will ever believe you when you say “I’m working from home today.”
16. This whole “emoticon” thing in business emails is getting out of hand.
17. You will read the words “Britney Spears” at least 13 times from when you enter the check out line until you leave it.
18. That packet of coupons in the mail never comes at a time when you actually need any of them.
19. When I see a flock of seagulls circling, I take cover. I've been shit on by a bird before.
20. Good for you Michael Phelps.
21. Crazy people are all around us.
22. I like Chinet’s philosophy of using excessive amounts of tree in their products.
23. I still use my college ID to get the student discount at the movie theatre. I’ve been out of college for nearly four years now.
24. All celebrities are short.
25. I did it.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Terms Of Service
Who reads this nonsense. When you install iTunes, Microsoft Word, or even sign up for a gmail account, you are forced to check a box stating that you have not only read but also understand the terms of service. I am convinced there is no person that I know who has actually done that. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Also, watch this:
NOTIONS TO FEAR:
How would America respond if a Barack Obama sex tape leaked?
This is your morning morning-wood report: I have it.
I want a gun that launches sharks.
More dumb people own guns that you think.
I'm frightened of tall women.
I don't want to be considered the guy that everyone refers to as "that guy."
You know when you refer to a kid and say "its a boy/girl" - you're still referring to the child as "it."
Attractive people DO get treated better than everyone else, I don't care what you say. And it's nobody's fault but YOURS....you know what I'm talking about. And I think it's okay and fairly natural.
If I had to chose between a woman and sandwiches, I would have to think about it for a while.
When driving down a narrow two way, two lane street, slowing down drastically doesn't make your car smaller.
I have a hard time spelling parallel correctly.
I don't know how it got started, but no girl will ever look good in Aviator sunglasses. Those were made for men, let's keep it that way please. (see video below)
Also, watch this:
...Going Home From That Party from Stuck In Traffic on Vimeo.
NOTIONS TO FEAR:
How would America respond if a Barack Obama sex tape leaked?
This is your morning morning-wood report: I have it.
I want a gun that launches sharks.
More dumb people own guns that you think.
I'm frightened of tall women.
I don't want to be considered the guy that everyone refers to as "that guy."
You know when you refer to a kid and say "its a boy/girl" - you're still referring to the child as "it."
Attractive people DO get treated better than everyone else, I don't care what you say. And it's nobody's fault but YOURS....you know what I'm talking about. And I think it's okay and fairly natural.
If I had to chose between a woman and sandwiches, I would have to think about it for a while.
When driving down a narrow two way, two lane street, slowing down drastically doesn't make your car smaller.
I have a hard time spelling parallel correctly.
I don't know how it got started, but no girl will ever look good in Aviator sunglasses. Those were made for men, let's keep it that way please. (see video below)
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
To Whom It May Concern:
AIRPORTS
Children and families should be restricted to specific part of the airplane. Put them in the back next to the bathrooms. I didn’t pay $300 for some shit-stick four year old to dig his heels into my back and bitch about his brother stealing his toys. Sooner or later I’m going to steal his toys, and break them.
I was in seat 7f and was in group 6. The person sitting next to me in the terminal was in seat 8c and was part of group 1. Can someone please explain how that makes even the slightest of sense?
Every male flight attendant is a homosexual. This is not a generalization, its simply a fact. Most female flight attendants were probably attractive in the 1970’s or 1980’s, but now they just cover it up.
At baggage claim, why is it the group mentality to hover as close to the conveyor belt as possible. Why cant everyone stand a few feet back, and when they see their bag, walk forward and retrieve it. The actions of a person are much different than a group of people. People are idiots.
I tried watching the in flight movie. The stewardess and or captain interrupted on the PA system no less than 36 times to relay information. Not one piece of it was: a) relevant b) important c) even the least bit concise….I don’t care what the temperature over Idaho is at 24,000 feet above sea level.
Why am I taking off my shoes? And my belt?
Why is 6 ounces of toothpaste less threatening than 12? Who arrived at these calculations? But its totally cool if I bring this lighter and matches on board, but the water in my hand for the fire I could start – I can’t bring that.
THE GROCERY STORE
You need to take a test before you can operate a motor vehicle. We’ve reached a point where the same premise should apply to the electronic check out aisle. This is supposed to be a time saver – its no longer acceptable to be clueless with technology, its 2008.
You will read the words “Britney Spears” at least 13 times from when you enter the check out line until you leave it.
Matthew Maconahey has a brother named Rooster. Rooster named his son Miller Lyte. I have no additional comments on the matter.
GROWING UP
Things that are a “good idea” are usually told to you by your parents and don’t end up being any fun at all. Things that are considered “bad ideas” are told to you by your degenerate friends and almost always turn out awesome, exciting and life changing, though not necessarily in that order.
The movie American Beauty makes more and more sense as I get older.
OTHER
People that treat their dogs like humans and have things like “doggie weddings” should be shot at.
This whole “emoticon” thing in business emails is getting out of hand.
Children and families should be restricted to specific part of the airplane. Put them in the back next to the bathrooms. I didn’t pay $300 for some shit-stick four year old to dig his heels into my back and bitch about his brother stealing his toys. Sooner or later I’m going to steal his toys, and break them.
I was in seat 7f and was in group 6. The person sitting next to me in the terminal was in seat 8c and was part of group 1. Can someone please explain how that makes even the slightest of sense?
Every male flight attendant is a homosexual. This is not a generalization, its simply a fact. Most female flight attendants were probably attractive in the 1970’s or 1980’s, but now they just cover it up.
At baggage claim, why is it the group mentality to hover as close to the conveyor belt as possible. Why cant everyone stand a few feet back, and when they see their bag, walk forward and retrieve it. The actions of a person are much different than a group of people. People are idiots.
I tried watching the in flight movie. The stewardess and or captain interrupted on the PA system no less than 36 times to relay information. Not one piece of it was: a) relevant b) important c) even the least bit concise….I don’t care what the temperature over Idaho is at 24,000 feet above sea level.
Why am I taking off my shoes? And my belt?
Why is 6 ounces of toothpaste less threatening than 12? Who arrived at these calculations? But its totally cool if I bring this lighter and matches on board, but the water in my hand for the fire I could start – I can’t bring that.
THE GROCERY STORE
You need to take a test before you can operate a motor vehicle. We’ve reached a point where the same premise should apply to the electronic check out aisle. This is supposed to be a time saver – its no longer acceptable to be clueless with technology, its 2008.
You will read the words “Britney Spears” at least 13 times from when you enter the check out line until you leave it.
Matthew Maconahey has a brother named Rooster. Rooster named his son Miller Lyte. I have no additional comments on the matter.
GROWING UP
Things that are a “good idea” are usually told to you by your parents and don’t end up being any fun at all. Things that are considered “bad ideas” are told to you by your degenerate friends and almost always turn out awesome, exciting and life changing, though not necessarily in that order.
The movie American Beauty makes more and more sense as I get older.
OTHER
People that treat their dogs like humans and have things like “doggie weddings” should be shot at.
This whole “emoticon” thing in business emails is getting out of hand.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
college
As a high school senior registering for the first semester of college, that 9 am Literature class doesn't seem early...
Each night of the week there will be a new, rational reason to party and drink booze.
Yes, smoke that joint.
College men do not change the sheets in their dorm often.
Bring your own beer to any large frat party. The keg will be gone when you get there.
Be grateful that you will have sex with at least one woman that is totally out of your league.
Avoid conversations with law school students at all costs.
Each night of the week there will be a new, rational reason to party and drink booze.
Yes, smoke that joint.
College men do not change the sheets in their dorm often.
Bring your own beer to any large frat party. The keg will be gone when you get there.
Be grateful that you will have sex with at least one woman that is totally out of your league.
Avoid conversations with law school students at all costs.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Thoughts In General
Once you’ve graduate college and have worked in the real world for a few years, you realize your college GPA doesn’t mean shit to anyone other than your parents.
I still use my college ID to get the student discount at the movie theatre. I’ve been out of college for nearly four years now.
Working with people near my dad’s age is something I will never be able to properly adjust to.
I’ve written three checks in the last two years. Even my landlord has electronic rent payment.
The catalog “Design With Reach” has a very misleading name.
According to ten o’ clock news segments over the past twenty-five years (collectively), everything you come into contact with on a daily basis could possibly kill you and or save your life.
All celebrities are short.
Who invented Q-tips and how did they arrive at this invention?
Almost everyone I know professionally has or does smoke pot.
Sometimes I think the blind people I see walking the streets with their stick are fucking with everyone.
People that don’t share my exact views on movies are automatically considered idiots in my mind.
Two for one lasik surgery coupons scare me.
I was recently surprised to discover that MADtv is still on the air.
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